Pure black
by Emily-at-random
Summary: Depressive reactions and thoughts of Amu after her close friend Tadase dies. This one-shot is dedicated to Bryan Ryou. May your wonderful soul rest in peace, I miss you already QAQ No hating. I don't care.


**If you don't like character deaths then don't read this.**

**I'm dedicating this story to Bryan.**

**RIP.**

**Funny, you always loved writing and soccer.**

**I never got to tell you, But you were my very important friend.**

**Unfortunately it's too late.**

**I hope you made it to heaven.**

* * *

**A/N: I don't own anything and I don't freaking care.**

**I only own my grief.**

* * *

_How many times do you hear me cry out._

_God please take this._

_How many times have you given me strength to,_

_Just keep breathing._

_Oh I need you._

_God I need you now._

She stared blankly into empty space for the umpteenth time today.

Breathing shallow as she searched for something, anything to take her mind off him.

It steadily ate her heart away.

He hadn't been her love, no, Ikuto was and always would be.

But Ikuto was still in search of his father, he didn't know her feelings had changed.

Tadase.

He had been her important friend, always there for her with a smile. Lending a helping hand.

He had never stopped liking her as a friend even after she had told him that his feelings could never be returned.

Regretfully.

He was a prince at heart. Leading everyone honestly, he wasn't perfect.

But then nobody could be perfect.

Amu closed her eyes taking in a sharp intake of breath.

It was terrible, one moment a person could br living, moving, breathing and yet the next. It could all stop.

Amu wanted to freeze time.

The last four hours replaying over and over inside her brain.

Like a broken record, flipping back to the same song, same note. Unable to move forward.

Tadase was dead.

Creating a small hole inside her already duct taped heart.

She remembered the call Utau had given her.

The older girl had been frantic, saying Tadase was hit by a drunk driver.

On the cold night of december eighteenth.

On a cold night, only Utau was there.

By the time the ambulance came it was too late, he was killed on the spot.

Lying in a pool of his own crimson blood.

She could only pray he was in heaven.

That's what bothered her the most, she dearly wished with all her being that he was with God in heaven.

A blond angel.

She sniffed and brushed away what seemed like the millionth tear. All her emotions were spent.

Feeling dizzy she went to the bathroom, leaning on the wall for support.

Glancing in the mirror her reflection showed exactly what she felt like, crap.

Eyes red and puffy, lower lip bleeding from all those times Amu had bit down on her lip just to hold back tears.

Yesterday was his funeral. Solemn people dressed in black.

Everyone Tadase had ever known that was still... living was there.

Minus Ikuto, he didn't know yet and there was no way to contact him.

Amu felt the familiar pang of her heart breaking away.

She had tried to restrain herself from looking over all their happy texts and friendly conversations.

Reluctantly she had found herself flipping through the dusty photo albums, re-reading every word they'd ever texted or written.

Breaking down once again.

She couldn't believe it to be true.

Expecting a random text from Tadase to pop up, and say, "Haha just kidding. I was merely injured, I'm alive Amu-chan."

But that wasn't happening, deeply in her heart, Amu knew Tadase was dead.

Disappeared, no longer existant on this earth.

Out of reach.

Those thoughts brought a fresh downpour of tears.

Leaning against the wall. Sliding down to the floor.

Amu gave up hoping.

She would cry as much as she wanted.

Let the grief tear apart at her heart, let the fire fall. Enough was enough.

Enough pain, enough.

DAMN IT ALL.

Taking a deep breath she pulled out the sharpest kitchen knife, ironic, all this time she had told herself and others that this was something she'd never do. Inflicting harm to her own body.

But the feel of the cold stinging metal against her wrist, it felt so good.

Taking away the fresh pain, spilling her own lifes blood.

It was only occasional, it wouldn't do much harm.

There was no comfort.

Only the shiny blade, covered in crimson pain.

Emotions spent, she sunk to the floor.

Too much.

Make it stop.

Turn back time.

Please.

There were still things that had been left unsaid, she'd never told him how important he was.

What an important part of her life he was.

It was too late.

_Pain, pain, go away._

_Demons come another day._

_Torture me,_

_I'm going insane._

_My only comfort is the blade._

The feeling that makes one want to throw up.

I wish this was all a lie.

I wish fate would reconsider.

But wishes can't come true.

Wishes don't come true.

This isn't a fairy tale.

Wishes will never come true.

* * *

**This accurately describes somewhat how I feel.**

**I wish Bryan knew how much Moqi and I truly miss him.**

**It burned a hole in both of us.**

**If you have time I wish you could read 'Violet carpet' on Azarasaki 's fanfiction account.**

**That's Bryan's story, he had her write it for him.**

**Too bad you couldn't reach above 5'4 like you wanted.**

**I should have watered you more and fed you double stuffed oreos.**

**To read and review I don't really care.**

**[Goodbye]**


End file.
